Christmas spirit, dead computers and growing older

I am feeling more in the Christmas spirit since yesterday. Last week at work was exhausting. Working in a retail business setting really can kill your Christmas spirit (I can't say I was a big fan of Christmas before but yikes, now it's even harder.) But luckily my husband and I drove around a bit last night talking and looking at all the decorated homes. It does warm the heart, make you feel like a kid again (I guess that is why we drove around and that is what motivates adults to decorate their homes for the holidays) and realize that really we are all still children.

Also this idea of Christmas brings up thoughts of attachment. Attachment to objects, memories, ideas, it can be anything. A few months back life was particularly difficult for several reasons but the straw that broke the camels back for me was that the laptop computer that I had been using for several years with all sorts of ideas, memories, photos, etc. (and there are still things coming up that I realize now are on that computer) that I will never see again. Since I have my own live- in computer expert, this is a fact. The mother board just died one day. He tried to revive it, but could not. We hadn't done a back up in a while, due to busy life and extremely stressful situations that total zapped us. Let's just say, I was devastated (still feel twinges of it when I think about it). It was like a person died. I was immediately hurled back to when my mother died. Needless to say I didn't handle this computer dying thing very well. Also my husband was not prepared for the reaction since we did have another couple of computers in the house. But it wasn't about having a computer to use, it was about what that computer represented, ideas, thoughts, dreams...a record of life during a certain time frame.

So, attachment. I am finding it harder and harder to let go as I get older (turned 40 this year). So many things have happened over the years relating to death, letting go, moving on, lost dreams, dashed hopes. Attachment really can devastate you, cause you to grow older, suck the life out of you. It's not just about things or ideas, or memories, etc. It can be about relationships, personal issues, even money. You have to find a balance.

I want 2009 to be about finding my balance. I know I need to take time for myself. Time for my art, time for my soul. I want that to be a focus for me this year. My husband and I having given alot of ourselves and feel like now that we have to focus on ourselves more.

Ok I have rambled enough for this morning.

Christmas Wish For Chris With Love from Me!

Well Christmas and New Years is approaching rapidly. Ever since Thanksgiving stress and tensions have been high. With going back to school in a month, work (which is zapping the little bit of Christmas spirit I had), family illnesses this week, and family pressures (past, present and future) - I have been finding it hard to maintain any level of civility and unfortunatly my family, especially my husband has bore the brunt of it. For this I am deeply *SORRY*!

My Christmas wish is for my husband. I pray and hope with all my heart for 2009 to be a year of happiness, health and love for him. He deserves it.

For years he has been struggling and I have been not helped with my own fears, worries and emotional baggage, which has worn him down even more.

That is my Christmas Wish.