Christmas spirit, dead computers and growing older

I am feeling more in the Christmas spirit since yesterday. Last week at work was exhausting. Working in a retail business setting really can kill your Christmas spirit (I can't say I was a big fan of Christmas before but yikes, now it's even harder.) But luckily my husband and I drove around a bit last night talking and looking at all the decorated homes. It does warm the heart, make you feel like a kid again (I guess that is why we drove around and that is what motivates adults to decorate their homes for the holidays) and realize that really we are all still children.

Also this idea of Christmas brings up thoughts of attachment. Attachment to objects, memories, ideas, it can be anything. A few months back life was particularly difficult for several reasons but the straw that broke the camels back for me was that the laptop computer that I had been using for several years with all sorts of ideas, memories, photos, etc. (and there are still things coming up that I realize now are on that computer) that I will never see again. Since I have my own live- in computer expert, this is a fact. The mother board just died one day. He tried to revive it, but could not. We hadn't done a back up in a while, due to busy life and extremely stressful situations that total zapped us. Let's just say, I was devastated (still feel twinges of it when I think about it). It was like a person died. I was immediately hurled back to when my mother died. Needless to say I didn't handle this computer dying thing very well. Also my husband was not prepared for the reaction since we did have another couple of computers in the house. But it wasn't about having a computer to use, it was about what that computer represented, ideas, thoughts, dreams...a record of life during a certain time frame.

So, attachment. I am finding it harder and harder to let go as I get older (turned 40 this year). So many things have happened over the years relating to death, letting go, moving on, lost dreams, dashed hopes. Attachment really can devastate you, cause you to grow older, suck the life out of you. It's not just about things or ideas, or memories, etc. It can be about relationships, personal issues, even money. You have to find a balance.

I want 2009 to be about finding my balance. I know I need to take time for myself. Time for my art, time for my soul. I want that to be a focus for me this year. My husband and I having given alot of ourselves and feel like now that we have to focus on ourselves more.

Ok I have rambled enough for this morning.

Christmas Wish For Chris With Love from Me!

Well Christmas and New Years is approaching rapidly. Ever since Thanksgiving stress and tensions have been high. With going back to school in a month, work (which is zapping the little bit of Christmas spirit I had), family illnesses this week, and family pressures (past, present and future) - I have been finding it hard to maintain any level of civility and unfortunatly my family, especially my husband has bore the brunt of it. For this I am deeply *SORRY*!

My Christmas wish is for my husband. I pray and hope with all my heart for 2009 to be a year of happiness, health and love for him. He deserves it.

For years he has been struggling and I have been not helped with my own fears, worries and emotional baggage, which has worn him down even more.

That is my Christmas Wish.

GIVING THANKS!

-Healthy, Happy kids.
-Being a family.
-Cool breezes on sunny, clear days.
-Rainy cold wintery weather.
-Snuggling with my sweety.
-New bare Christmas tree with endless possiblites.
-Sweaters.
-Weekend naps.
-Home where there are lots of hugs, laughter, cuddling and safety to be oneself.

Amen.

CREATING A MOVEMENT - undefined.

I want to start my own movement. A movement toward creative loving and living. I don't really know what that means completely, yet. I have spent much time, YEARS, thinking about it.

I see a lot of people writing about similar things in books, on blogs, magazines, as well as, talking about it in movies and on tv, but I don't see it in my little corner of the world. Maybe it's where I live. The people here. Maybe it's ME! I do have a pretty busy and secluded life. Which I like, thank you VERY MUCH!

I guess it's not just me who wants to start this movement. It's my husband and children too. We see things differently. Even when we think we have come across a similar soul it doesn't seem to click for long. I guess they are like us. They want to start their own movement, too. So, we keep moving, thinking, creating, adjusting to spread the word.

Each one of us in my family has their way of spreading the word. Through music, teaching, art, words, creating, talking, laughing, living.

I want to salute you, my fellow movement makers, but we have our own movement to spread.

God speed to us all!

More change......

Leaves are finally changing, weather is getting cold, preparing for classes to start in January (I'm going back to college, second Bachelor's degree), settling in for a snuggly winter.

Swimming has started for my daughter and my son has wrapped up marching band with high school football ending. My husband and I are enjoying retreating more from social gatherings and just enjoying spending time together.

We started down sizing the living room today to make some room for Christmas. We are not planning on going over board at all this year. Kids are going to their dad's so we are going to spend the day alone. (First time! for Christmas) We feel like we have to do things more just the two of us with my son only 1.5 yrs from leaving for college and my daugher only 3.5 yrs away.

All in all things are good.

Change

Autumn is here. Yippie! It has to be the best time of year. School is new, new friends, new adventures, nature is letting go of summer and preparing for winter, goblins and ghouls are out looking for some fun, we all start to nessle in for warmth and family closeness. I hope that I can do some new things in 2009.

Here is a list of what I'm wanting to do:

Go back to school to work on becoming a certified art teacher (degree number 2).

Start painting the work I have been thinking about for many years since my mom passed.

Be more accepting of my own feelings.

Be more honest with myself and others about what I need, want, think.....

Be more open artistically.

Let go of feeling like I have to "fit in" somewhere.

Recently I watched Art:21. It was very eye opening for me as an artist.

I hope to post more soon. ttfn

illustration friday -memories

My son - painted 2000, painted from a photos of him taken infront of the Evansville Museum of Art. Memories of that day, being with my kids, enjoying art. Memories of being in college getting my art degree. Memories of feeling more confident making art and that my art was going somewhere.

Vacation all I ever wanted .. vacation happy to get away....

Yes the Go-Go's song is going around in my head. I've been on my mini vacation from work since Wednesday and it's been really great!!!!

We went on a nature hike, art supply shopping, out for lunch, out for ice cream, visited two art museums, took lots of photos, looked into our new idea about biking everywhere in the next year, did a little random exploring of the town, went to a flea market, napped.... and the fun continues.

It will be hard to go back... or will it??? Tonight I just feel tired.. going to do a movie night. Tomorrow going to see our son's concert, I will probably sew some more curtains for our daughter's room and hopefully get some painting done on a new painting I just finished drawing out on canvas......

Let the vacation continue.

Oh I did want to say that Penelope posted "the plan" and it's a great read. I really enjoyed it for many reasons... Life is challenging in good and bad ways but if we can see that it's for our higher good some how... it's much easier to keep on chugg'in.

Birthday promises to myself have not yet manifested but the intention is still there.
School will be starting soon. Fall will be upon us and I am taking a mini vacation and hope to explore these promises to myself more fully, as well as, doing some jump starting to my creativity. Something I have been doing since my big 4 0 birthday is re-thinking life's possibilities, reminiscing, and exorcising some old feelings, beliefs and habits. Oh and also some creative writing.

Wish me LUCK!

In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity. ~ Albert Einstein

illustration friday: fierce

Well big 4 0 birthday is Saturday.... so time to finally commit to testing the waters of illustration.

My pledge to myself is to :

1)participate in illustration friday
2)do a 15 minute doodle session a day ( at work or home)
3)get 10 -12 consistent samples for a portfolio
4)improve skills of drawing, painting
5) explore computer skills for art purposes
6)keep up with blog
7)create a web portfolio
8)keep taking baby steps


This is my commitment to myself, my art, my future.

illustration friday: baby

What I'm thinking..... roosters, stuffed chickens (like a stuffed animal toy I saw at Target - dog toy.. but I want one), crabs, monkeys, summer reading,...... drawing, painting, observing, walking, breathing.. summer, no school, lazy warm weekends, pulling grass with my toes while I watch the sun set with someone special....... shorter hair, painted toenails, action movies, library reading programs, doodles of neighborhood regulars bipeds and quadrupeds....twinkle lights and tiki torches in the back yard..avocados, veggie gardens, baby bunny under the shed, birds nests...squirrels chasing on another ............ finding peace.........smiling again.............

Well, here it goes. I am creating this blog as an affirmation and commitment to my creative self. I hope this will be a good way to keep my focus on being creative and growing as an artist.

So here we go ..... bon voyage!!! :)