Winter Wonderland

Well - I survived Fall 2010 - semester. Not only did I survive but I learned so much! This time next year I will be finishing my student teaching and graduating :) !!!!

Now it's time to rest, relax, get some exercise and fresh air, read, sketch, breath, get organized.

BREATH - BREATH - BREATH.

Mama's got a New BLOG-ITUDE!

Well - where to start. Life could not be more hectic right now.

Son leaving for college in 6 days.

Daughter a junior in high school with a job, boyfriend, active social life and soon to be driving.

Classes starting back for me.

Working fulltime.

Some very scargy inevitable situations are coming to a head and hopefully coming to an end or changing in a way that will create a happier situation for my husband and myself.

And the usual money-worries.

I hope to be able to get used to life's interruptions some day. Just as things seem to settle in to a happy moment some other cog in the wheel slips into or out of place - footholds weaken, ground trembles, fear, worry and anxiety grab your heart, mind and soul to startle your insides to the point of a non-stop nausea.

But in all of this I want to say that I AM AN ARTIST. I seek to be creating, discovering, learning, teaching, opening the eyes of others.

My son is going on his own creative journey and I am watching him closely. I want to learn from him. My daughter is also my teacher. She is educating me in the world of nurturing. I have nurtured them both with my body, my mind, my soul, my heart and every cell of myself and now they are teaching and nurturing me.

Thank you God for the blessings ~ and those to come!

summer cold.....

Well OK it's not actually summer yet but I do have a yucky cold. My daughter had it first, even though she didn't seem like she felt this bad though - :P. She said this morning though that she DID feel this bad. :(

So much is happening right now - spring is bringing new birth. I always think of May and late spring in terms of birth because both of my children were born in May and I was born at the end of June.

My son is graduating from high school in just a couple of weeks. He is being born again to the world in a new way - as an adult. With this new birth comes a new kind of letting go for me as a parent. I know it will be similar to child birth, painful and exciting, scary and exhilarating, tearful and joyful.

My son is an amazing person and an inspiration to me to keep working at what I want. He works hard and keeps pushing himself toward his dreams and goals. There were sticky points during his boyhood but we worked through them together as a family.

Part of my heart will go with him to college in the fall. I feel so blessed to be part of his life. I have always felt that my children were a gift from God and that it was my responsibility to help them grow into decent human beings. Especially since at the time of their births I did not have a career or even an idea of what I was good at. They became my career. Now I am on to my second career even though it has been hard to figure out -- lots of stumbling of my own, teaching is the only choice for me. I have proven this to myself and art will give me a way to teach others how to improve the world around us.

Springing -----

it's so pretty outside -- sunny for 2, going on 3 straight days...!!!! I feel so nervous like a little kid.

Econ is over, waiting to hear about scholorships for joe, kai is done with swimming and i can't wait to get outside more.

I planning on spending more time outside this year. I think I am going to start walking my lunches when ever possible and enjoying the sun.

Healthier Happier 2010. Let go of the past more... move forward... start spending more time do the things I enjoy.

Rethinking business and entertaining teaching yet again!!!

Why I have no idea except that the idea excites me so much!

... we will see..... more soon.

longing for spring

well i've sort of given up on the house thing. I really don't know if it's the right thing for now.

right now things are too intense. i just want to find space to breath, catch my breath again and persue some recent creative suggestions.

that's really all i have for now

and I can't wait for warm sunshine, flowers and shady spots

Hearts, home ownership and ............

I have been looking at homes to purchase lately. I have seen two that I thought had great potential but ... were sadly disappointments. Boy it's exhausting getting your hopes up. Then there is the question of should you buy a house in this area.. yikes... more to worry about.. and more yada yada yada.

Along with this it's almost Valentine's Day - not really a big deal but I like the holiday just because spring is almost here. I have enjoyed the cold less and less this year. I want it to be warm.

Classes are stressful, work is stressful, I just need some relief. I feel that finally having a house of my own, especially with Joe leaving for college would be a good way to plant myself.

Not much else to say except that I am tired today and need to do some laundry, homework and straighten things up a bit.

sorry this is soooo boring.

money, fame, fortune, glamor.....

what in the hell am i going to write about???? I have some ideas... trumpeting... swimming... but these stories would be observation.. maybe I am avoiding writing what I feel at this moment. really it would be able fear frustration... sadness ---- paralyzing fear -- so what is the fear about - it's about alot of things -

1) never really getting to have my/our own house
2) never being out of debt
3) never feeling good again
4) working myself to death
5) losing my children - growing up and getting away..
6)being stuck in a sucky situation forever
7)dying at an early age - never seeing my children be grown and being able to share life with my grandchildren
8) never being truly happy
9) being always stuck in the past
10) never getting paid for the work I do best

OK some of this seems like insane rambling I will give you ---- everyone has their 'problem' or 'journey' 'struggle' I get that. I've just had enough of it and I'm not sure how to be done with it.

i'm tired of life being so scarry - the minute you feel happy --- content -- creative --- some crappy thing comes and ruins it. I'm just sick of it.

I want a new job, I want to be able to be creative ---- i want to have energy for other things....

i don't have anything else to say right now.. to pissed off !!!!

.......tired......

Well I stayed home from work yesterday and went to the doctor ~ I woke up feeling like someone had hit me in the head with a frying pan. I was feeling on Thursday after dinner -- could not focus.. too my econ test online.. it was not pretty.

So I have a sinus infection. I feel ok as long as I am just laying around but wow ~ i'm wiped out. I got a 63 on the econ test - same as last one and am feeling pretty down.

I feel like I am in a funk... a rut..... just got the blahs. I don't feel sleepy so I am spending too much time thinking. I found this house I really want to buy but who knows what will happen with that. So many things I need to fix.. or want to do and I feel like I've gone 20 rounds with Mike Tyson and it's time to stop getting up for more.

I've been thinking that maybe this MBA thing is a bad idea and that maybe I should go back to the education route....i just don't know anymore. I'm so tired of trying to 'figure' everything out and plan. NOthing ever works out --- i always feel lost --- maybe it's like writing... life that is..... you have to just start somewhere and keep writing,.. correcting mistakes, re-writing... erasing... maybe that's how life is.

Some people just seem to have it all figured out... made all the right decisions.

Warm Wet Winter

Creative writing is going well, and even Economics is looking up. These are the classes I am taking this semester. The creative writing was a last minute switch-a-roo but it was actually what I really needed.

Lots of emotion has been release just from some minor writings, which I'm really excited about. It's helping to clarify images in my mind of visual art I want to make.

Raw emotion, cathartic breakthroughs (is that redundant?) --- changes are eminent. I have taken a hiatus from TV and the news over the last few years. It has been a gradual thing over the last 13 years. Not easy to do when TV was your only friend, your parent at times, your solace.

I hope to improve my vocabulary through this writing class, get at creativity that has been justating and produce a possible body of work. I wrote a poem today about the nature walks we used to take with all the kids. I left the room and had Chris read it.. he came and found me ... both of us in tears... our hearts breaking open and all those emotions spilling out --- we needed that. So much love, pain, hurt, joy .. is in both of us..I wonder if I can create something that heals both of us.. and maybe the kids too. At least something to share with them.. someday.

...............................................................................................................

Snow and lessons learned

We had snow this week. Kids got two days off from school and it's been cold and is still white on the ground. Pretty unusual for KY.

Also this week classes started back. Boy, I thought I was 'getting it' regarding economics but yikes! I would not be surprised if I missed every question on the first test. I am trying to look at things differently and recognize that I need to remember that I am trying to learn here and that if I knew it already then I wouldn't need a teacher. Also I really prefer taking traditional weekly classes and the classroom atmosphere. Learning on your own is 'lonely' but necessary I suppose. I spend all day in an office alone most of the time with emails and IM's and phone calls. So coming home getting out a book and going into that world alone too is 'hard'.

On Wednesday I start my creative writing class -- I really want to give these classes more of myself and use this opportunity to stop being a couch potato and get more movement into my life.

Today I have lots of 'stuff' on my agenda, cleaning, laundry, car -- clean it too, de-Christmas the house, vacuum the house, go do a little bit of shopping, pay bills, study.... get a new exercise video.. I was thinking (laundry break ---i'm back now) that I need to work at being more flexible physically.

Well the laundry has started and it's shower time. I really want to get moving today .. stop being a couch potato and BREATHE....... find the peace and serenity inside myself and my own choices.

ON YOUR MARK...GET READY......

Tears .......... of change?????

Today the sadness that has been lingering has finally turned to tears. For a bit it felt like they weren't going to stop..... but for now they have subsided.

So much going on... but none of the things I want. New job.. never got an interview... position is now filled... :(.... new car.. can't afford right now.... job not going in the direction I thought........

Economics class starts Saturday --- need to read 3 chapters and do all the homework ... test on the first day.. EEK!... creative writing... I am looking forward to learning something here and have some creative fun.... winter is upon us and my nerves about another ice storm ... NO MORE PLEASE~~!!!!!! my current job.... makes me angry..frustrated...sad......confused..... almost stunned.

I'm not sure if going back to school has been a good thing but after the tears were done.. i started feeling like i'm mourning over something. I have worked there for 3 years..... and maybe the idea of change is starting to become more than an idea... maybe it's manifesting .. even though the full change hasn't happened. The butterfly is now in the cocoon....
CHANGE IS HAPPENING....

2010 - NEW YEAR - NEW ATTITUDE!!

2010 - 10 years ago I graduated from Brescia University with my BA in Art, moved to Akron, Ohio, and move in with my fiance.

Alot has changed in 10 years - my son will graduate from high school this year, he will leave for college, my daughter turns 16, I will be 42 this year, I have worked at my current job for over 3 years now, Chris and I will celebrate 9 years of marriage this year. Wow! lots happening. Plus taking the GRE this year and trying to get a new car.

Also I want a new job. I have refrained from speaking this way but basically there are certain 'things' about my job (not the work really~ just situations/people) that I do not like, that is against my moral character and violates my personal ethics.

Because of this I must find a new job. 2010 --- it the year to do it. Plus I plan to reach out to people who I have not spoken to in a while and take better care of myself via losing some weight and doing a better job at managing stress and letting myself be sad, or happy or mad when I feel it.

1/1/10 - I feel sad --- sad about my job. I also feel happy ---- happy about my family, school and myself. So that job has to change.

In the new year I hope to be more creative and more happy and content, and continue to enjoy my family and their warm love, smiles, laughter, silliness..... have fun with them. Amen.