what in the hell am i going to write about???? I have some ideas... trumpeting... swimming... but these stories would be observation.. maybe I am avoiding writing what I feel at this moment. really it would be able fear frustration... sadness ---- paralyzing fear -- so what is the fear about - it's about alot of things -
1) never really getting to have my/our own house
2) never being out of debt
3) never feeling good again
4) working myself to death
5) losing my children - growing up and getting away..
6)being stuck in a sucky situation forever
7)dying at an early age - never seeing my children be grown and being able to share life with my grandchildren
8) never being truly happy
9) being always stuck in the past
10) never getting paid for the work I do best
OK some of this seems like insane rambling I will give you ---- everyone has their 'problem' or 'journey' 'struggle' I get that. I've just had enough of it and I'm not sure how to be done with it.
i'm tired of life being so scarry - the minute you feel happy --- content -- creative --- some crappy thing comes and ruins it. I'm just sick of it.
I want a new job, I want to be able to be creative ---- i want to have energy for other things....
i don't have anything else to say right now.. to pissed off !!!!
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
.......tired......
Well I stayed home from work yesterday and went to the doctor ~ I woke up feeling like someone had hit me in the head with a frying pan. I was feeling on Thursday after dinner -- could not focus.. too my econ test online.. it was not pretty.
So I have a sinus infection. I feel ok as long as I am just laying around but wow ~ i'm wiped out. I got a 63 on the econ test - same as last one and am feeling pretty down.
I feel like I am in a funk... a rut..... just got the blahs. I don't feel sleepy so I am spending too much time thinking. I found this house I really want to buy but who knows what will happen with that. So many things I need to fix.. or want to do and I feel like I've gone 20 rounds with Mike Tyson and it's time to stop getting up for more.
I've been thinking that maybe this MBA thing is a bad idea and that maybe I should go back to the education route....i just don't know anymore. I'm so tired of trying to 'figure' everything out and plan. NOthing ever works out --- i always feel lost --- maybe it's like writing... life that is..... you have to just start somewhere and keep writing,.. correcting mistakes, re-writing... erasing... maybe that's how life is.
Some people just seem to have it all figured out... made all the right decisions.
So I have a sinus infection. I feel ok as long as I am just laying around but wow ~ i'm wiped out. I got a 63 on the econ test - same as last one and am feeling pretty down.
I feel like I am in a funk... a rut..... just got the blahs. I don't feel sleepy so I am spending too much time thinking. I found this house I really want to buy but who knows what will happen with that. So many things I need to fix.. or want to do and I feel like I've gone 20 rounds with Mike Tyson and it's time to stop getting up for more.
I've been thinking that maybe this MBA thing is a bad idea and that maybe I should go back to the education route....i just don't know anymore. I'm so tired of trying to 'figure' everything out and plan. NOthing ever works out --- i always feel lost --- maybe it's like writing... life that is..... you have to just start somewhere and keep writing,.. correcting mistakes, re-writing... erasing... maybe that's how life is.
Some people just seem to have it all figured out... made all the right decisions.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Warm Wet Winter
Creative writing is going well, and even Economics is looking up. These are the classes I am taking this semester. The creative writing was a last minute switch-a-roo but it was actually what I really needed.
Lots of emotion has been release just from some minor writings, which I'm really excited about. It's helping to clarify images in my mind of visual art I want to make.
Raw emotion, cathartic breakthroughs (is that redundant?) --- changes are eminent. I have taken a hiatus from TV and the news over the last few years. It has been a gradual thing over the last 13 years. Not easy to do when TV was your only friend, your parent at times, your solace.
I hope to improve my vocabulary through this writing class, get at creativity that has been justating and produce a possible body of work. I wrote a poem today about the nature walks we used to take with all the kids. I left the room and had Chris read it.. he came and found me ... both of us in tears... our hearts breaking open and all those emotions spilling out --- we needed that. So much love, pain, hurt, joy .. is in both of us..I wonder if I can create something that heals both of us.. and maybe the kids too. At least something to share with them.. someday.
...............................................................................................................
Lots of emotion has been release just from some minor writings, which I'm really excited about. It's helping to clarify images in my mind of visual art I want to make.
Raw emotion, cathartic breakthroughs (is that redundant?) --- changes are eminent. I have taken a hiatus from TV and the news over the last few years. It has been a gradual thing over the last 13 years. Not easy to do when TV was your only friend, your parent at times, your solace.
I hope to improve my vocabulary through this writing class, get at creativity that has been justating and produce a possible body of work. I wrote a poem today about the nature walks we used to take with all the kids. I left the room and had Chris read it.. he came and found me ... both of us in tears... our hearts breaking open and all those emotions spilling out --- we needed that. So much love, pain, hurt, joy .. is in both of us..I wonder if I can create something that heals both of us.. and maybe the kids too. At least something to share with them.. someday.
...............................................................................................................
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Snow and lessons learned
We had snow this week. Kids got two days off from school and it's been cold and is still white on the ground. Pretty unusual for KY.
Also this week classes started back. Boy, I thought I was 'getting it' regarding economics but yikes! I would not be surprised if I missed every question on the first test. I am trying to look at things differently and recognize that I need to remember that I am trying to learn here and that if I knew it already then I wouldn't need a teacher. Also I really prefer taking traditional weekly classes and the classroom atmosphere. Learning on your own is 'lonely' but necessary I suppose. I spend all day in an office alone most of the time with emails and IM's and phone calls. So coming home getting out a book and going into that world alone too is 'hard'.
On Wednesday I start my creative writing class -- I really want to give these classes more of myself and use this opportunity to stop being a couch potato and get more movement into my life.
Today I have lots of 'stuff' on my agenda, cleaning, laundry, car -- clean it too, de-Christmas the house, vacuum the house, go do a little bit of shopping, pay bills, study.... get a new exercise video.. I was thinking (laundry break ---i'm back now) that I need to work at being more flexible physically.
Well the laundry has started and it's shower time. I really want to get moving today .. stop being a couch potato and BREATHE....... find the peace and serenity inside myself and my own choices.
ON YOUR MARK...GET READY......
Also this week classes started back. Boy, I thought I was 'getting it' regarding economics but yikes! I would not be surprised if I missed every question on the first test. I am trying to look at things differently and recognize that I need to remember that I am trying to learn here and that if I knew it already then I wouldn't need a teacher. Also I really prefer taking traditional weekly classes and the classroom atmosphere. Learning on your own is 'lonely' but necessary I suppose. I spend all day in an office alone most of the time with emails and IM's and phone calls. So coming home getting out a book and going into that world alone too is 'hard'.
On Wednesday I start my creative writing class -- I really want to give these classes more of myself and use this opportunity to stop being a couch potato and get more movement into my life.
Today I have lots of 'stuff' on my agenda, cleaning, laundry, car -- clean it too, de-Christmas the house, vacuum the house, go do a little bit of shopping, pay bills, study.... get a new exercise video.. I was thinking (laundry break ---i'm back now) that I need to work at being more flexible physically.
Well the laundry has started and it's shower time. I really want to get moving today .. stop being a couch potato and BREATHE....... find the peace and serenity inside myself and my own choices.
ON YOUR MARK...GET READY......
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Tears .......... of change?????
Today the sadness that has been lingering has finally turned to tears. For a bit it felt like they weren't going to stop..... but for now they have subsided.
So much going on... but none of the things I want. New job.. never got an interview... position is now filled... :(.... new car.. can't afford right now.... job not going in the direction I thought........
Economics class starts Saturday --- need to read 3 chapters and do all the homework ... test on the first day.. EEK!... creative writing... I am looking forward to learning something here and have some creative fun.... winter is upon us and my nerves about another ice storm ... NO MORE PLEASE~~!!!!!! my current job.... makes me angry..frustrated...sad......confused..... almost stunned.
I'm not sure if going back to school has been a good thing but after the tears were done.. i started feeling like i'm mourning over something. I have worked there for 3 years..... and maybe the idea of change is starting to become more than an idea... maybe it's manifesting .. even though the full change hasn't happened. The butterfly is now in the cocoon....
CHANGE IS HAPPENING....
So much going on... but none of the things I want. New job.. never got an interview... position is now filled... :(.... new car.. can't afford right now.... job not going in the direction I thought........
Economics class starts Saturday --- need to read 3 chapters and do all the homework ... test on the first day.. EEK!... creative writing... I am looking forward to learning something here and have some creative fun.... winter is upon us and my nerves about another ice storm ... NO MORE PLEASE~~!!!!!! my current job.... makes me angry..frustrated...sad......confused..... almost stunned.
I'm not sure if going back to school has been a good thing but after the tears were done.. i started feeling like i'm mourning over something. I have worked there for 3 years..... and maybe the idea of change is starting to become more than an idea... maybe it's manifesting .. even though the full change hasn't happened. The butterfly is now in the cocoon....
CHANGE IS HAPPENING....
Friday, January 1, 2010
2010 - NEW YEAR - NEW ATTITUDE!!
2010 - 10 years ago I graduated from Brescia University with my BA in Art, moved to Akron, Ohio, and move in with my fiance.
Alot has changed in 10 years - my son will graduate from high school this year, he will leave for college, my daughter turns 16, I will be 42 this year, I have worked at my current job for over 3 years now, Chris and I will celebrate 9 years of marriage this year. Wow! lots happening. Plus taking the GRE this year and trying to get a new car.
Also I want a new job. I have refrained from speaking this way but basically there are certain 'things' about my job (not the work really~ just situations/people) that I do not like, that is against my moral character and violates my personal ethics.
Because of this I must find a new job. 2010 --- it the year to do it. Plus I plan to reach out to people who I have not spoken to in a while and take better care of myself via losing some weight and doing a better job at managing stress and letting myself be sad, or happy or mad when I feel it.
1/1/10 - I feel sad --- sad about my job. I also feel happy ---- happy about my family, school and myself. So that job has to change.
In the new year I hope to be more creative and more happy and content, and continue to enjoy my family and their warm love, smiles, laughter, silliness..... have fun with them. Amen.
Alot has changed in 10 years - my son will graduate from high school this year, he will leave for college, my daughter turns 16, I will be 42 this year, I have worked at my current job for over 3 years now, Chris and I will celebrate 9 years of marriage this year. Wow! lots happening. Plus taking the GRE this year and trying to get a new car.
Also I want a new job. I have refrained from speaking this way but basically there are certain 'things' about my job (not the work really~ just situations/people) that I do not like, that is against my moral character and violates my personal ethics.
Because of this I must find a new job. 2010 --- it the year to do it. Plus I plan to reach out to people who I have not spoken to in a while and take better care of myself via losing some weight and doing a better job at managing stress and letting myself be sad, or happy or mad when I feel it.
1/1/10 - I feel sad --- sad about my job. I also feel happy ---- happy about my family, school and myself. So that job has to change.
In the new year I hope to be more creative and more happy and content, and continue to enjoy my family and their warm love, smiles, laughter, silliness..... have fun with them. Amen.
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